( Note to the reader: The
following is a true account of an attempted invasion by aliens of our
planet, told through the compilation of various eye-witness accounts -
I. McP. )
A) Extract from broadcast on an independant and illegal radio
station in Glasgow, by Private Investigator, Teddy Bootlace; entitled:
"Bootlace Investigates - The Missing Dulse" September 1988.
 was
on a coastal road. It was the end of August, the weather was warm, and
the view was not too hazy. Pointing towards me, from across the North
Channel, the 'finger-tip' of the Kintyre peninsula; on my right, to the
east, that odd little 'bump' - the Ailsa Craig - guarded the Strathclyde
coastline; to the west, Ratline Island - once thought to be part of the
Hebrides; and beyond that, Donegal and, ultimately, the Americas.
I was in Disneyland: so-called because the Scots-speaking natives don't
say "Doesn't" - they say "Dis-nay". Together with Wales, Cornwall and
the South-west of what is now Scotland, it had been one of the last
stands of the Britons at a time when these islands were being invaded by
Celts, Gaels and Anglo-Saxons. I was on the North-east coast of
Disneyland, and had been called in by my Uncle Cecil ( a farmer from
Ballymena, the capital of Disneyland ) to investigate an acute shortage
of 'dulse' - a kind of red, rubbery seaweed which is a popular
confection in Atlantic areas.
I was heading west along a bumpy coastal road, in a 1976 Mini, borrowed
from my cousin whose name is also Cecil, WHEN all of a sudden, and 'as
if from nowhere', Doctor Who's Tardis materialised on the road right in
front of me! I swerved to the left, scooting over a fence and into a
field on a slope, sending the sheep scattering. The ground was damp,
despite the day's sunshine, and I eventually stopped when I hit a tree.
In shock, I jumped out and hoofed it up the field, sliding in the
tyre-tracks, and climbed over the barbed-wire fence onto the road.
Dr. Who and his lovely female companion, Ace, walked out of their time
machine as if nothing happened. Not being a great fan of the seventh
Doctor, I was going to show no mercy.
'What's the story here, pal, by the way?' I shouted, going for the
Doctor's throat. then Ace took out a base-ball bat and hit me on the
back of the head.
When I came round again, I was lying on the back seat of a vintage car.
Ace was sitting in the passenger's seat with her back to me. I looked up
and saw the Doctor closing the doors of what appeared to be a garage at
the back of the Tardis. He got into Bessie and started to drive.
'Here, big yin man! Where are ye takin me?' I protested. I was still seeing stars.
The Doctor introduced himself. He was an odd 'wee' man, with a rough and
rubbery face, and he wore his thinning hair combed backwards. When he
spoke, I couldn't help thinking of Malcolm Muggeridge. To tell you the
truth, I could-nay make out half of what the guy said. I thought Ace was
a very nice looking 'wee' girl but a rough dame too, by the wallop she
gave me in the head!
( Note: Why had Dr. Who
come to Disneyland? Well, throughout our history the Doctor has played
an important role in giving human technology a helping hand. many of the
things which, today, we take for granted would simply not have come
about if not for the Doctor's interventions: for example; things like
Dynamo; the water wheel; the internal combustion engine; and the
electric blanket.
In this instance, he had planned to visit Ratline island where, in 1898,
Marconi had preformed
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an early radio experiment. Dr. Who had intended
to lend a hand, but had materialised on the mainland in the year 1988
instead. This, he does not yet know and is presently driving along the
coast to the little town of Ballycastle from where he hopes to acquire a
boat to Ratline. I return you now to Teddy Bootlace - I. McP. )
When we arrived in Ballycastle in Bessie, in one piece, Ace was anxious
that the couple might be conspicuous. With it - isn't she?
'Well, I shan't,' chuckled the Doctor, 'In this regeneration my voice
has become more dentally plosive, and much more or-r-r-rhotic!'
Ace was-nay convinced. In fact, I don't think the 'wee' girl knew what
the Doctor meant. She was-nay alone. I thought he meant his teeth were
about to blow up!
'In other words, my dear Ace,' he explained, 'I have acquired something close to a Lallans accent.'
He parked the car, and we got out. By good fortune, it was the first day
of the 'Auld Lammas Fair' - a sort of festive market event. By this
time, the Doctor had twigged that he had arrived in the wrong century.
So, to save face, he bought us both 'yellow-man' - a sort of hard,
sticky sweet with guaranteed tooth-decay or your money back. The Doctor
chewed a bit and put the rest back in the bag. As he licked his fingers,
a large winged insect flew down and joined in. Ace screamed and dropped
her 'yellow-man', which was a good idea, so I did the same.
'Some sort of hymeropter-r-r-ran!' said the Doctor.
'Aye,' says I, 'Ye get a lot o' they big things up this way!'
'Yes,' said he, 'they're been here for about 300 million years as well.'
His eyes flitted about from side to side ( in unison, of course ), and
his childishly misshapen teeth stuck out over his lower lip, as if they
were thinking that this might have serious implications. He was a nut.
he returned to the market stall where he had bought the 'yellow-man'.
It was run by an old wifey called Mrs. McNougher. She smoked a pipe and
had a set of teeth that would have done the gear-box of a Ferrari. The
Doctor removed his hat and asked for dulse.
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